Why Estrangement Can Make You a Better Parent

Ali Pierce has been estranged from her mother for six years, a decision she says has profoundly shaped her approach to parenting her two sons, now aged 8 and 10. Pierce describes her own childhood as seemingly idyllic on the surface, filled with academic success and extracurricular activities, but marked by raised voices and chaos at home. She used schoolwork and activities as a refuge from the discomfort she felt in her household. Now a mother herself, Pierce recognizes how those dynamics affected her and is determined to provide a different environment for her children. By distancing herself from her mother, she believes she has been able to stop a cycle of emotional volatility. She focuses on listening to her sons and supporting their emotions, even when it is difficult. Pierce hopes that her efforts to model regulation and repair will result in a long, healthy relationship with her boys.

Going no contact with her mother was a difficult decision, but Ali Pierce believes it has had an incredible impact on her ability to parent. When she tells people that she is estranged from her mom, she is nearly always met with an apology. Her reply is always to assure them it is OK, because ultimately, she feels it is the right choice for her family. Pierce notes that taking a step back from that relationship has made her a better mother to her sons.

She acknowledges that this choice is often viewed with concern by others, but she remains confident in her reasoning. The separation allowed her to focus entirely on her own household without the baggage of the past interfering. By removing that source of stress, she found the mental space necessary to prioritize her children's emotional needs. This shift in focus was the first step in breaking the cycle she observed in her own upbringing.

Pierce describes her own childhood as looking idyllic on the surface. Her father worked while her mother stayed home. She did well in school, was involved in activities, and was a rule follower by nature. If she expressed interest in an activity, her mother signed her up and drove her to games, competitions, art classes, and orchestra practices. Her report cards frequently read "a pleasure to have in class," and she clung to the order and structure that school offered.

However, the home environment was much different. Pierce remembers raised voices and arguments being the norm. To cope, she often busied herself with schoolwork and activities to avoid the chaos of home. This created a win-win dynamic where the adults in her life could point to her accomplishments as a sign of their success, while she stayed occupied in spaces that offered structure, praise, and refuge from the discomfort she felt at home. She recalls feeling overwhelmed and flooded with feelings that she could not make sense of.

Now that she is a mother, Pierce finds herself looking back on childhood memories with a new understanding of the dynamics that played out. She has a deeply feeling kid of her own, and she recognizes the familiar pattern of escalation when things are not perfect. She sees herself in her son when tears and yelling come quickly, but she knows she can stop the cycle. She remembers feeling big feelings in a small body, where frustration would rise in her chest and spill out despite her best efforts.

Unlike her own experience, where there was no one to guide her through making sense of her emotions, Pierce is determined to support her boys. She listens to them and supports them, learning from unpacking her past that the cycle of rupture and repair does not have to continue. Distancing herself from her mother made a new way of approaching life and motherhood a possibility. Her job is to model regulation and support her sons, even when their feelings and struggles are hard.

While Pierce no longer resents her mother, she wishes her mother had done the work to save her from the burden she carried for so long. The emotional weight of her childhood was significant, and she is committed to ensuring her sons do not carry similar burdens. Her goal is to create an environment where her children feel seen and heard, rather than overwhelmed by their emotions. This requires daily effort and a conscious decision to parent differently than she was parented.

She hopes that eventually her sons can look back and appreciate the work she is putting in every day. Her ultimate goal is to ensure they have a long, healthy relationship that allows them to enjoy each other's company for many years. By prioritizing emotional regulation and open communication, Pierce is actively building the family dynamic she never had. She views her estrangement not as a loss, but as a necessary step toward creating a healthier future for her children.