Parenting Middle Schoolers: Key Lessons Learned

Parenting middle schoolers is often described as the most challenging phase of raising children. A mother of four, with children ranging from 12 to 20 years old, shares three invaluable lessons learned after navigating this stage three times. The first lesson is that power struggles are useless; stepping away and offering grace allows for more rational conversations later. The second lesson is that parents do not always have the right words, and it is acceptable to admit mistakes, apologize, and simply listen. The third lesson emphasizes the importance of building a trusted support network with other parents to combat the loneliness and confusion of this phase. These strategies help manage the fluctuating hormones and new obstacles that middle school introduces.

For many parents, the transition to middle school brings a unique set of challenges. A mother of four, whose children currently range in age from 12 to 20, describes these years as the most difficult of her parenting journey. While she has experienced every phase of parenting at least once, with two children in college and one entering high school, the middle school years stand out as particularly demanding.

The author notes that while every phase of parenting offers something amazing, the middle school years require specific strategies to navigate successfully. Parenting three children through this stage has taught her that while each experience is unique, certain lessons remain constant. These years are marked by fluctuating hormones that cause confusing and frustrating feelings, making it essential for parents to adapt their approach.

The first major lesson learned is that power struggles are useless. The author admits to previously staying and arguing with her oldest daughter, determined to get her point across. However, advice from a mentor, a fellow special education teacher, proved pivotal.

The mentor advised, "It's getting you nowhere. You need to disengage." This advice helped the author realize that arguing often leads to escalation and negative feelings for both parent and child. Although she could identify and step away from power struggles with students at work, it took three cycles of middle school to apply this skill at home.

Effective strategies for avoiding these struggles include:

• Closing the mouth and walking away
• Saying, "I think we need a little space. Let's talk about this later."
• Waiting until the child is ready for a rational conversation

By giving children grace and stepping aside, parents can navigate difficult moments and find solutions together without arguments.

The second lesson involves accepting that parents will not always know what to say. The author notes that what works once may never work again, requiring parents to be flexible with their thinking. Granting oneself grace is important, as it allows children to see that adults do not always have the answers.

When a parent does say something foolish, the best course of action is to apologize. This models accountability and shows children that making mistakes and owning up to them is acceptable. Sometimes, the most effective approach is to stop talking and simply listen.

Attempting to identify with children by sharing similar experiences can work, but it often leads to pushback. Children may comment, "Mom, you don't understand. You went to school years ago," or "You never had social media." In these moments, the author advises stepping back and giving space, recognizing that parenting this phase involves trial and error.

The third crucial lesson is the importance of finding a trusted support network. Parenting middle schoolers can be lonely and confusing. As children get older, they often do not want parents to share details about their lives with others, creating a fine line between seeking support and respecting privacy.

Despite these restrictions, having a small group of trusted friends to rely on is vital. The author finds it helpful to talk to and bounce ideas off other parents who understand the situation. Finding a "village" includes connecting with those who have already been through the phase and those currently going through it.

These relationships provide a lifeline through:

• Listening and emotional support
• Practical help like carpooling
• Understanding that little kid problems are traded for big kid problems

Middle school introduces a new vocabulary and a multitude of obstacles, making these connections essential for survival.