Navigating Advice with Adult Children

A mother of five with decades of parenting experience has learned to modify how she shares advice with her adult children. While she remains a go-to resource for friends and colleagues seeking guidance on everything from toilet training to sex education, she has adopted a policy of waiting to be asked before offering advice to her own kids. This approach respects their growing independence and preference for forming their own solutions.

The shift in the family dynamic became particularly clear after her three oldest sons returned home following a semester at college. Rather than engaging in nostalgia, the young adults were eager to share their broadening worldviews. This experience highlighted the transition from a one-way flow of advice to a reciprocal exchange of wisdom, where life experiences are shared mutually rather than dictated by the parent.

The author describes her parenting philosophy as the process of making a dependent being independent. This goal was realized when her three oldest sons returned home for their first adult Christmas celebration. After three months of living on their own, the sons were no longer interested in nostalgic reminiscences; instead, they wanted to express their own opinions and assessments of life. The mother realized that nothing she could say was as valuable as what they were currently discovering on their own.

This dynamic mirrors the author's own experience returning home from college. She recalls being impassioned by new philosophies forged in dormitory discussions, fervently arguing her points to her mother. Just as she was unlikely to be dissuaded from her beliefs at that age, her own children are now navigating their own paths to independence. Consequently, the author has learned to step back and let them lead.

Despite the shift, the author notes that she lives for the moments when her children do seek her input. These requests typically fall into specific categories:

• Health concerns, particularly regarding ailments common to the family.
• Work-related questions, such as determining hourly rates.
• Financial matters, including strategies for paying off college loans.
• Relationship issues, though these are rare.

While the author is prepared to offer guidance, she notes that her children often find their own solutions using modern tools. One son, a father himself, rarely asks for parenting advice, relying instead on resources like Instagram and TikTok to navigate raising his children. The author acknowledges these platforms as effective tools she never had, validating her children's ability to find their own answers.

However, there are moments when direct advice is requested. The author recalls a time when one son, infatuated with a girl who was uninterested, pressed her for ideas on how to pursue her. The mother had no specific strategies and recommended he seek love elsewhere—a suggestion he eventually followed. These instances highlight that while the children value their mother's perspective, they often possess the agency to resolve their own romantic and personal dilemmas.

The flow of information has not ceased; it has simply reversed direction. The relationship has evolved into a full circle moment where the children are now the advisors. The author frequently consults them on modern topics, trusting their judgment on where to invest money, what car to purchase, and what professional opportunities to pursue. They also serve as tech support and exercise regimen advisors.

This exchange allows the family to continue growing in wisdom and knowledge. The author suggests that by respecting their independence, she maintains a strong connection where life experiences inform decisions for everyone involved. The advice flows both ways, ensuring that both generations remain relevant and supportive of one another.