Key Facts
- ✓ A child psychologist has studied more than 200 child-parent relationships to identify effective parenting strategies for emotional intelligence.
- ✓ The common parental response "What's wrong?" is often less effective than asking a more specific question about the cause of the emotion.
- ✓ The recommended phrase "What happened to make you feel this way?" helps children connect specific events to their emotional responses.
- ✓ This approach focuses on building emotional awareness and regulation skills, which are core components of emotional intelligence.
- ✓ Using this phrase shifts the parent's role from immediate problem-solver to a guide for emotional exploration and understanding.
The Question That Changes Everything
When a child is upset, parents instinctively ask, "What's wrong?" It seems like a natural, caring response. However, according to a child psychologist who has studied more than 200 child-parent relationships, this common question may not be the most effective way to build emotional intelligence.
Research suggests that the most emotionally intelligent children are raised by parents who use a different, more specific phrase. This single question can transform a moment of distress into a powerful lesson in emotional awareness and regulation.
The key lies not in solving the problem immediately, but in guiding the child to understand their own internal world. This shift in language opens the door to deeper connection and lasting emotional skills.
Beyond "What's Wrong?"
The phrase "What's wrong?" is often a parent's default response to a child's tears or frustration. While well-intentioned, it can be limiting. This question is broad and can sometimes make a child feel that their feelings are inherently "wrong" or that they need to justify their emotional state.
It places the focus on identifying a problem rather than exploring an emotion. For a young child, articulating what is "wrong" can be a difficult task, especially when they are overwhelmed by a feeling they don't yet understand.
A more effective approach validates the emotion first. Instead of a general inquiry, a targeted question helps the child put a name to what they are experiencing, which is the foundational step in managing it.
"Parents who raise the most emotionally intelligent kids use one key phrase."
— Reem Raouda, Child Psychologist
The Magic Phrase
The recommended phrase is simple yet profound: "What happened to make you feel this way?" This question is powerful because it accomplishes several things at once. It acknowledges the child's emotion without judgment and invites them to connect a specific event to their feeling.
By asking what happened, parents guide their children to trace the emotion back to its source. This process of identification is a core component of emotional intelligence. It teaches children that their feelings are valid responses to situations, not random or inexplicable events.
Parents who raise the most emotionally intelligent kids use one key phrase.
This phrasing also opens a dialogue. It moves the conversation away from a simple problem-solution dynamic and toward a deeper exploration of the child's experience, fostering a stronger parent-child bond.
Building Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, and manage one's own emotions, as well as to recognize and influence the emotions of others. The phrase "What happened to make you feel this way?" directly builds this skill set.
It encourages children to:
- Pause and reflect on their internal state
- Connect external events with internal reactions
- Develop a vocabulary for their emotions
- Practice self-awareness in moments of high feeling
This practice, repeated over time, helps children build a robust emotional toolkit. They learn that emotions are information, not just reactions, and that understanding them is the first step toward managing them effectively.
A Shift in Parenting Focus
Adopting this phrase requires a subtle but significant shift in a parent's mindset. The goal changes from fixing a problem to understanding an experience. This approach is less about immediate intervention and more about long-term emotional development.
It positions the parent as a guide and a safe harbor for exploration, rather than just a problem-solver. This can reduce power struggles and resistance, as the child feels heard and understood on a deeper level.
The result is not just a calmer child in the moment, but a child who is learning the lifelong skills of emotional regulation and self-awareness, which are critical for success in relationships, school, and future careers.
Key Takeaways
The research involving over 200 child-parent relationships highlights a simple yet powerful tool for parents. By replacing a broad question with a specific, validating one, parents can foster a more emotionally intelligent child.
The journey to emotional intelligence is built on small, consistent interactions. This one phrase serves as a regular practice that reinforces the importance of understanding emotions.
Ultimately, the goal is to equip children with the skills to navigate their emotional landscape confidently. This single question is a step toward that larger, more meaningful objective.
