Growing Up in a Large Foster Family

The author shares her perspective as the oldest of eight siblings, a family unit that expanded from three biological children to include five adopted foster siblings. She describes a household that was often busy and chaotic, yet filled with love. Growing up, she frequently encountered stares and unsolicited questions from strangers trying to understand her racially diverse family, which ultimately taught her to value empathy and accept imperfection.

Life in the large family required immediate teamwork and responsibility. The author recalls specific chores she took on at young ages, such as managing bedtime routines for toddlers at 11 and doing the family laundry by 17. This environment fostered a scarcity mindset, a feeling that resources were limited and one must act fast to get their share. While this was a difficult habit to unlearn as an adult, it also made her scrappy and resourceful. She eventually became a mother herself, finding that the chaos of parenting was familiar and manageable. The family's defining characteristic remains its openness to including others, always making room for one more at the table.

The family structure began with just three children: the author, her biological brother, and her biological sister. They described themselves as an average American, blue-collar family. This dynamic changed significantly when the author's parents decided to foster children. The household size began to fluctuate, usually housing between four and six children at any given time. Over the years, the family grew permanently as the parents adopted five of the foster siblings, bringing the total number of children to eight.

Growing up as the oldest in a family built through foster care and adoption shaped the author's worldview in ways she did not fully understand at the time but recognizes clearly now. The experience of being part of a large, blended family was defining, creating a unique upbringing that differed from the traditional nuclear family model. The transition from a small family of three to a bustling home of eight required significant adjustments for everyone involved.

One of the most vivid memories for the author is the reaction of strangers to her family's appearance. The siblings represented a mix of Black, Hispanic, and white heritage, which often confused onlookers in public spaces like grocery stores. Strangers would stop the mother to comment on her "beautiful family," often hoping for an explanation of how they all belonged together. The mother never offered an explanation, a stance the author deeply admires as it reinforced the idea that the family did not owe anyone an account of their existence.

The author was old enough to notice the disapproving looks when her younger siblings acted out, such as when a 2-year-old foster sister dumped eggs or had a tantrum in the cereal aisle. Being labeled as "that family" was humbling, but in hindsight, it taught the author empathy at an early age. She learned to be aware of others who felt they were not fitting in or measuring up to societal standards, striving to create a space where people could be their imperfect selves.

Managing a household with so many children required everyone to contribute. The author vividly remembers the chores that became necessary after her foster siblings arrived. Her mother became overwhelmed, and helping out became non-negotiable. By age 11, the author was in charge of the bedtime routine for her 1- and 2-year-old sisters. By 12, she was the designated dishwasher, and by 17, she managed the laundry. She also babysat regularly. Every day was a lesson in teamwork, a skill that many of the siblings carried into their adult lives, with several pursuing entrepreneurship.

Another significant lesson was the development of a scarcity mindset. With so many siblings, the author learned to act fast or risk missing out on resources. She had to consciously unlearn this behavior as an adult, training herself not to overfill her plate or worry about things running out. However, this mindset also made her scrappy and resourceful. When she needed extra money early in her marriage, she bought and sold furniture on Craigslist and rented out her home on Airbnb. Her resourcefulness was so notable that her book club voted her "most likely to survive the Hunger Games."

Unlike many of her friends who dreamed about future families, the author was hesitant about becoming a mother. She was already intimately familiar with the demands of raising children, having witnessed the "snot-nosed temper tantrums" and chaos of a large household. She eventually changed her mind and became a mother herself. She finds that the chaos of parenting does not surprise her, and she remains relaxed about things that worry other parents, such as balls in the house or children playing in the mud.

Today, the author cherishes the loud, boisterous family gatherings that include her seven siblings, their spouses, and extended family. She describes the atmosphere as "wonderful chaos." The family maintains an open-door policy; whenever she asks to bring a lonely neighbor or another family to a gathering, her mother always agrees, saying, "Of course! I'll make sure we have enough chairs." This inclusivity is the author's favorite part of belonging to a big family.