Camille Seigle on Postpartum Struggles and Recovery

Consultant Camille Seigle has opened up about the hidden struggles of early motherhood in an essay adapted from her book, Maternal Hope. Writing about her experience giving birth in January 2020, Seigle reveals that despite a 'perfect' life on paper, she felt broken and unrecognizable to herself.

The narrative highlights the immense pressure working mothers feel to maintain competence. Seigle recounts checking her work email only two days postpartum, driven by a fear of becoming irrelevant. As her mental health declined, she faced the 'supermom' myth that kept her silent. The turning point came during a crisis of suicidal ideation, anchored by her daughter's cry. Seigle advocates for a more honest conversation about the messy reality of postpartum recovery, emphasizing that asking for help is a sign of strength.

For Camille Seigle, the transition to motherhood was far more jarring than she anticipated. While she expected the standard exhaustion and tears associated with a newborn, she was unprepared for the 'complete disorientation' that followed. Seigle describes a physical and emotional state where her body no longer felt like her own, marked by bleeding and a lack of recognition in the mirror.

Despite having a healthy baby, a supportive husband, and a stable career, Seigle felt internally shattered. The joy she had been promised seemed to skip her entirely. She characterizes the postpartum period not merely as a time of recovery, but as a messy 'rebirth.' This period forced her to confront questions about her identity that she had never asked before, such as whether she truly wanted to be a mother.

Control had long been Seigle's comfort zone, a method she used to navigate uncertainty. Consequently, just two days after giving birth, she opened her laptop to check work emails. She admits that while she framed this as staying 'connected,' it was actually a desperate attempt to hold onto a part of her life where she still felt competent.

Her boss had encouraged her to unplug completely, but Seigle was terrified of falling behind. Looking back, she recognizes this logic as twisted and reflective of the unspoken pressures on working mothers in the U.S. to 'do it all.' This pressure persisted when she returned to work four months later during the height of the pandemic. A male colleague jokingly asked how her 'vacation' was, highlighting a workplace culture disconnected from the physical and emotional realities of postpartum healing.

The first six weeks of motherhood felt like a repetitive cycle to Seigle, described as Groundhog Day—nurse, pump, clean, repeat. A significant source of pain was the lack of inquiry into her own well-being. Friends and family texted constantly to ask about the baby, yet almost no one asked how she was doing.

In her journal, Seigle documented her despair: "I am tired. I feel alone. I don't know what I'm doing." She struggled with the paradox of loving her child immensely while feeling profound sadness. She initially believed that needing help indicated weakness. However, she eventually realized that asking for help is a strength. She critiques the cultural image of the 'supermom'—the woman who bounces back effortlessly and never loses her cool—as a damaging standard that forces many women to suffer in silence.

By her six-week postpartum checkup, the world had shut down due to the pandemic. Seigle described feeling 'grateful but empty' and 'loved but completely disconnected.' Her doctor suggested increasing anxiety medication and finding a therapist, but Seigle was too exhausted to take action. Weeks later, the darkness deepened, leading to a moment of crisis on her upstairs deck where she contemplated suicide.

The shame of these thoughts was crushing, a common symptom of postpartum depression that convinces sufferers they are ungrateful. The turning point was auditory: her daughter's cry cut through the fog. That sound anchored Seigle to reality and reminded her she had someone to live for. This moment prompted her to seek therapy. Through the process, she learned that motherhood is about finding a new version of oneself. She began accepting help from her husband and exercising not to reclaim her old body, but to feel strong in her current one.

Seigle's journey through the 'messy' reality of postpartum life has reshaped her perspective on motherhood. While the experience nearly broke her, it also taught her everything about her own resilience and the kind of mother she wants to be. She argues that society must move past airbrushed versions of postpartum life to discuss the blood clots, the tears, and the profound loneliness.

By sharing these unfiltered stories, Seigle hopes to provide other parents with hope—a crucial element for surviving the darkest days. She concludes that the reality of motherhood is not about perfection, but about showing up despite being messy, tired, and imperfect. The book Maternal Hope, co-authored with Ali Mann Stevens and published by Alone No More Press, aims to continue this conversation.